Couples (all romantic relationships)
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And we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the beams of love.” – William Blake, Songs of Innocence
There is no homeostasis in relationships without regular effort – it is either growing because of your care and attention or it is stagnating/dying due to the lack of it or stasis. We all should be taught that growing and maintaining relationships means feeding them every day.
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A garden is an effective metaphor regarding relationships because it illuminates what goes on between you and your partner. Gardens that get close attention are beautiful, full, thriving, great places to be. Neglected gardens, ie; one tended to by only one person in a team or if one person adds negativity, then it becomes a desolate, painful, stuck place.
Gardening in a relationship takes generosity, “other focus” and curiosity in one another. It takes focused, full attention for each other every single day in big and small ways. It involves creative, spontaneous efforts daily and long term — great surprises, prioritizing one another, generously informing each other and a mindful and sweet hello and goodbye every time you part. It means you make a great effort to have a relationship and not a problem by focusing on solutions, strengths and by embracing the differences and quirks in one another. It means focused and clear boundaries with others so the space between you grows and is a sacred space of your own. It means full trust and transparency, and always making the effort to say yes when possible (no closed no’s), prioritizing and protecting the intimacy your partner needs. It means fiercely protecting one another’s dignity. All of these can become habits.
Gardening in a relationship takes generosity, “other focus” and curiosity in one another. It takes focused, full attention for each other every single day in big and small ways. It involves creative, spontaneous efforts daily and long term — great surprises, prioritizing one another, generously informing each other and a mindful and sweet hello and goodbye every time you part. It means you make a great effort to have a relationship and not a problem by focusing on solutions, strengths and by embracing the differences and quirks in one another. It means focused and clear boundaries with others so the space between you grows and is a sacred space of your own. It means full trust and transparency, and always making the effort to say yes when possible (no closed no’s), prioritizing and protecting the intimacy your partner needs. It means fiercely protecting one another’s dignity. All of these can become habits.
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Many couples come in for therapy after an affair or some breach of fidelity. This is something that is very common and often kept quiet. It is absolutely possible to become better because of the experience, whether that means creating the relationship they both always wanted or finding the best way to part we look at every aspect to see what caused it and how to move forward. We find how to rebuild trust. Just that alone is so widely misunderstood. On their own, people can stay stuck in a place of broken trust for months and even years when it can be cleared up if all parties are invested.
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Relationships are how we grow and develop. It is one important way we learn who we are and who we are not. We hopefully learn about respect, unconditional love and boundaries. If we have had painful life experiences, it can be an important part of how we heal.
All relationships are met with painful challenges. These are often seen as “disasters” when in fact it is just naturally unavoidable life circumstances coming into play, and it is an opportunity. The couple is tested, and where ever there is a weak link, it can break. This is a chance to address that link and build a stronger partnership. Fertilizer is added into the garden, which is essential to the richness and vitality of the soil.
Men and women communicate and think in very different ways. It is essential to learn what this is and how to bridge this in order to really bring happiness to both.
All relationships are met with painful challenges. These are often seen as “disasters” when in fact it is just naturally unavoidable life circumstances coming into play, and it is an opportunity. The couple is tested, and where ever there is a weak link, it can break. This is a chance to address that link and build a stronger partnership. Fertilizer is added into the garden, which is essential to the richness and vitality of the soil.
Men and women communicate and think in very different ways. It is essential to learn what this is and how to bridge this in order to really bring happiness to both.
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In a lot of ways, men are not allowed to be fully human culturally speaking. They cannot make mistakes without feeling shamed and don’t feel comfortable with their own emotions. We (men and women) are told that crying is a weakness, that if you are sensitive it means that you are weak…well, actually the opposite is true.
Controlled separations are a lost resort when trying to sort out and heal the problems in a marriage. Careful consideration and guidance is needed to build a safe process for each spouse to go in the best direction for both.
Sometimes my work is carefully facilitating the completion of a marriage. This entails careful and fair negotiations covering everything from the steps and stages of separating, to how to sort out assets, co-parenting and how to inform and best protect children involved. The aim here is to eliminate power struggles, punishment, retaliation or unclear new boundaries and facilitate a respectful and fair conversation determining what and how this will go. It is best for all if each find what they learned and support one another in finding happiness apart. The differences they had in the marriage will have to be respected in their separate households in co-parenting and this can require some work to establish ground rules both can use and count on. Kids must be allowed to love and respect each parent as much as possible to know who they are and you must not let your feelings become their feelings.
The couple’s questionnaire in the forms section of this site goes over the differences that cause conflict for couples. This tool gives each a chance to gain a strong sense about one another and quickly illuminates where they have opposing needs and plans. Out of all questions, only a handful may be in need of negotiation, compromise, problem solving or brainstorming. Print out one copy for each of you and answer them alone. Then share your answers to see what you have in conflict or just have not yet discussed.
Controlled separations are a lost resort when trying to sort out and heal the problems in a marriage. Careful consideration and guidance is needed to build a safe process for each spouse to go in the best direction for both.
Sometimes my work is carefully facilitating the completion of a marriage. This entails careful and fair negotiations covering everything from the steps and stages of separating, to how to sort out assets, co-parenting and how to inform and best protect children involved. The aim here is to eliminate power struggles, punishment, retaliation or unclear new boundaries and facilitate a respectful and fair conversation determining what and how this will go. It is best for all if each find what they learned and support one another in finding happiness apart. The differences they had in the marriage will have to be respected in their separate households in co-parenting and this can require some work to establish ground rules both can use and count on. Kids must be allowed to love and respect each parent as much as possible to know who they are and you must not let your feelings become their feelings.
The couple’s questionnaire in the forms section of this site goes over the differences that cause conflict for couples. This tool gives each a chance to gain a strong sense about one another and quickly illuminates where they have opposing needs and plans. Out of all questions, only a handful may be in need of negotiation, compromise, problem solving or brainstorming. Print out one copy for each of you and answer them alone. Then share your answers to see what you have in conflict or just have not yet discussed.